the change over.

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So, I have never been in a long-term or serious relationship before now. Up until now I thought the only response to having a big fight was to break up. It’s safe to say that I am not exactly qualified to navigate through the murky waters of a relationship changing from fresh and new to beginning to change into something serious. Those awkward few months are challenging to say the least. What was once easy and breezy, something that was new and different, has now begun to turn into something that could become a long-term partnership. It’s fucking scary falling in love. I’m not talking young love; I’m talking love that could lead to life-long memories and milestones. The problem is when you begin to legitimately picture buying a house with this person, getting engaged, travelling the world, or believe it or not picturing babies with this person, you begin to worry about the shit that could go wrong.

Over the past few months I’ve noticed a pattern developing between my partner and I. The pattern goes:

  • Go a few weeks with no sex.
  • Work long hours and get irritated at anything because we’re sleep deprived.
  • Have no time or energy to break the slump developing.
  • Argue because we haven’t been intimate for a while and booking in times to have sex isn’t working because we both live at home and it’s not always predictable.
  • Finally promise a night of being together but having a lame argument about something that doesn’t matter.

Safe to say this pattern is unacceptable. I couldn’t understand why this was happening. We’d have an awesome date, drink and laugh, go home and then realise we’re tired and drank too much so we’d be disappointed that we hadn’t had sex and go to sleep awkwardly (well I did anyway). Eventually this kind of behaviour comes to a head and you both snap and have your first actual real adult world fight. It dawned on me that from my end of things I was arguing with him more because yes I was tired, but also I had never had to make the move from single girl to someone in a committed relationship. It’s kind of scary making the move from ‘I’ to ‘us’.

I was a single gal for quite some time and got very used to being alone and doing what I wanted and when. My decisions didn’t factor in a possible future with someone else, if I wanted something I bought it, or if I wanted to go somewhere I went, there was no thought. As a single woman, you learn how to be alone and how to be enough for yourself. It’s such an important time in any woman’s life because you learn what you want and what’s most important to you. You become safe in the knowledge that you are enough and that you can go after anything you want. The safety net of singledom is knowing that no one else can hurt you except yourself. Guarding your heart and your dreams becomes effortless, it’s almost too easy closing that part of you off from the world. Dates become disposable, merely something to pass the time. So, when someone comes along unexpectedly you must learn how to open yourself up again. It will take a while and your partner needs to be patient. For any girl that’s been hurt and lied to it’s inevitable that when you begin to show your feelings you also begin to second guess your partner’s feelings for you. Little fights or arguments or bad moods lead you to think that they’re going to leave you because that’s what always happens. This doubt happens because you have been so used to protecting yourself that you go into overdrive because now your feelings are in someone else’s hands. So, naturally the arguments start happening because you’re convinced that this person will hurt you. But they don’t, yet anyway.

Making the change from being an independent single girl to one of two is terrifying. Even more terrifying is actually taking steps together to begin planning for your future and setting up plans for living together and building a life together. Some steps seem small at the time but every step is a huge one in hindsight.
I suppose everyone adjusts to relationship life differently. The most important thing I’ve learnt to do is to be honest with how I’m feeling without fear of the other ‘deciding’ to leave.

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losing it.

Recently I began full time work. It has been a learning curve to say the least. I have to admit that in my naïve young state I assumed that I would be able to happily continue on with all my hobbies and lifestyle choices that I had picked up during University. HA. What a little smug bitch I was. During my final two years of uni I made it a goal to lose weight, quit sugar, and get healthy. As a uni student you have the time and the freedom to take on these ridiculous life changes. I had no idea how much time I actually had on my hands when I was studying. You have time to go out, go the gym, meal prep, get drunk, and go on adventures. During my lifestyle overhaul I managed to drop ten kilos and go down to a comfortable size 8, which I had never been. I also felt good, not just good about how I looked, but good inside. I felt healthy, strong, and above all in control of what I was putting in my body and what I was doing with it. I felt good about myself, which is something I have struggled with since I was a little kid.

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I am, deep down, very self-conscious. Not just self-conscious on the surface, I don’t go around winging about it and not really meaning it. No, no, no… I am self-conscious, the true meaning of the word. I get depressed when I feel ugly, it tears at my soul when I look in the mirror and feel ashamed of the girl staring back at me. I have this year put back on half the weight I lost… I eat sugar again because I have no time to meal prep or need a kick of energy to keep on teaching those little kiddies in my care. I don’t go to the gym anymore… I used to go almost every day for an hour. I drink during week days because I’m stressed and emotional and hate the way I look now.

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This year I realized at some point, that I would have to give up something to be better at my job. Unfortunately, uni doesn’t explain that you will need to sacrifice something to be a good first year teacher. Uni doesn’t come to your house at 6pm and pry the wine out of your hand and order you to go to the gym. No one really warns you that all those good habits you picked up while working part time and studying would disappear. No one warns you that you’ll be at work from 7.30am til 6pm and you will be so emotionally, mentally and physically drained that all you can manage to do is drive home and collapse. There came a moment this year when I thought “How the fuck will I do this? How am I going to get through this year?”

I remember standing alone in my classroom, in tears, I wasn’t crying about anything in particular. I think I was crying because I was stressed, tired, had dealt with bully parents, was feeling self-conscious (about my body and my teaching abilities), and I was crying because I didn’t know how to deal with all this. Being an adult is hard. Not just paying for bills but balancing your life around work, social life, and being healthy.

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I used to look at my naked body in the mirror for at least ten seconds every day, deliberately not criticizing it but complimenting it. It was something important that I would take pride in, however now I can’t stand to look at myself for more than five seconds without naming ten flaws. The breaking point was trying on bathers. I was standing in Seafolly in the change rooms trying on pair after pair of bathers and hating everything. I was close to screaming in the middle of the store. I was past my breaking point and began snapping at my boyfriend. His reassurances of “I still love you and think you’re beautiful”, weren’t helping, in fact they were making things worse. He’s fit, healthy, and hasn’t put on a single kilo this year, and there I was standing there feeling like Shamoo the whale and wanting to hide in the toilets and cry. I felt gross, ashamed, and above all annoyed at myself for letting things get this far. I felt as though I had betrayed my body. I let my body down, I let my mind down, I let my emotional health down. It’s sad but it’s true, my mental health is heavily linked to my physical health and appearance. I don’t just become sad, I become honest to god depressed, I eat because I’m sad and I drink because I’m ashamed. I do the things that are bad for me because I feel like I’ve lost control. I compare myself to people in my life and I feel worse because I sometimes hate them, not just “Haha I hate you bitch”, but genuinely hate them and not want to be around them because somehow they’ve managed to stay looking and feeling amazing while adjusting to full time work.

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There’s something totally demoralizing about putting on a bit of weight. Although you genuinely may not have put on a butt load, you feel like you have. Your friends and partner may actually think you still look amazing and pull off those jeans that are a tad too tight now, but if you don’t feel it then all those compliments fall short. Your friends might still think those shorts look good but you know the second you go to the toilet you’ll see those clothes marks on your stomach, as though your clothes are trying to eat you just a little bit.

Saying you’ll make a change, or that next year will be different, means shit all. Actually taking the step and making a meaningful change is when you’ll start to feel better. You won’t see progress straight away and you won’t feel good for a while and you have to be ok with that. I still haven’t taken significant action. I haven’t made a discernable change. I’m still trying to pep talk myself enough to step foot back in the gym and make my meal plan again. And that’s ok. Take the time to mentally prepare for the awkward months of looking gross at the gym and prepping your meals. I’m still trying to mentally prepare for returning to my sugar-free, active lifestyle. Doing nothing is easy. It’s fun, we all know that. But at the end of the day I feel much worse now doing nothing and watching Netflix for three hours than I did when I was taking an hour out of each day to go to the gym and be active. I feel worse now eating out and drinking most nights than I did when I was monitoring myself and limiting what I was eating and when. However, it’s a fuck load easier to do nothing… it’s just not worth it. It’s not worth the mental and emotional anguish I feel each day I look at my fat ass in the mirror.

My only lesson from this last year, it’s ok to fail at something in your first year working full time. It’s ok to not be good at everything right off the bat. You won’t nail everything. If I had kept up the gym and the meal prep then my teaching would have suffered, and as a first year teacher that wasn’t an option. I felt that my job was the priority and I made it my focus. I’m ok with that choice and then some days I’m not, and that’s alright too. The shitty journey towards become a functioning and satisfied member of society is long and no one has the answers, they do however have advice that you can take or ignore, the choice is yours. My goal: to be happy, healthy, and balanced.

 

worst date ever.

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Some dates go down in history as the greatest night ever. You regale your friends with tales of how much chemistry was flowing between the two of you. Each hour between texts is agonising as you wait for them to respond. And there are those dates that you can’t wait to leave. Those horrific moments that you gossip with your friends about. These are the dates that almost linger in your mind longer than those amazing ones.

It’s been almost two years since this horrific date and I will never forget it. I hadn’t thought about it months until I was out with my man and trading horror stories. Lesson learnt from this conversation: women seem to suffer more bad dates than men, and women are apparently more susceptible to horrible sex. After telling the boyfriend about this horrific experience, I decided it should be shared with the world.

The meeting happened over Tinder, obviously all bad dates come from Tinder. We chatted for almost two weeks before actually meeting because he was out of town for some of the week and I was busy with Uni. The banter was ok, he seemed unable to sense sarcasm… first warning sign. Unfortunately, my witty banter is almost exclusively sarcasm. We had some things in common, but I was honestly grasping at straws in order to make some chemistry happen. He was nice, polite, and not talking to me about sex, of course I was attempting to create some connection. Anywho, our date eventually happened on a Friday night. It was to be in the city.

NOTE: I am a suburban girl and unashamed, I am uncool and unhip, I rarely travel and bar hop in the city because I have no clue of where to go.

So I drove to his place in the near outer suburbs of the city and met him outside his place. It was assumed I may have to crash because we were going drinking. After a few weeks of chatting, I felt ok crashing, if I thought he was a creep I could feign illness and drive myself home. The second the date began I could tell there was probably going to be no chemistry or sparks. He was nice enough but boring. Nothing charming about him, nothing overly humorous, and he seemed kind of awkward around me. Despite this feeling I ploughed on hoping for the best and being open to this date. We went bar hopping and this seemed perfect at making the night more fun. My first big warning of the night was… he didn’t offer to a) pay for any of my drinks, and b) didn’t go into any drinks rounds with me despite the fact I attempted to initiate this and buy him a drink when I went up to the bar. I’m sorry, I may be a modern day girl but if I buy you a f***ing drink, at least offer to buy one back. OR if you finish your drink and I’ve finished mine maybe ask me if I’d like another one. VERY VERY RUDE. I was pretty turned off at this point, and very shocked. He knew I was working part time and studying, while he was working full time. If this is the case then at least go halvesies. So far the date was uninspiring.

Fast forward a few more bars and a dozen more drinks, we were back at his place watching a movie on his bed. Obviously this is where you cue the kissing and touching. The intimate moments began and it was nice, nothing special. Continue along and he’s trying his best to impress me and we’re naked. It’s safe to say this little solider was not going to make the cut. I was lying there awkward and bored. To make matters worse…. when the big moment finally came and he climbed on top and began trying his hardest I knew something was terribly wrong. I don’t exaggerate a single moment of this, the second he started one thought ran through my mind; “Is it in?”
I kid you not, nothing was felt. The sinking feeling of realising yes in fact he was in, was more depressing than I could have imagined. This horror story continued when he pulled out and the condom clean fell off and was left behind inside me. The poor dude lost all ability to keep it on when he went down. I will never forget the awkward moment of pulling it out of myself…

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Well, that was it. The worst date ever. I spent a lot on drinks, had no orgasm, and felt no spark. A lack of orgasm is always forgiven if the spark is there, I mean no one finishes the first time, but without the spark there’s no reason trying again. I’m not proud, but after the incident I was so awkward I just left it, I ghosted him and I never thought I would be the kind of person to do that. My one main lesson learnt from this experience… just hold out for the person who gives you butterflies because anything less than that is a waste of my time.

back again.

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So I have been a little absent lately… forgive me though, please. I have this year, started working full time as a teacher, so my life has become a constant battle between; a) wanting to be good at my job, and b) wanting to have a social life. Unfortunately the one to be forgotten and left behind was my quaint little blog. Recently, I have been so angry at myself for letting my one and only hobby go untended and forgotten. So, I am going to try and be as regular as possible with my posts, not for anything else but for my sanity.

A mini life update.. I am currently loved-up and no longer suffering through horrifically award Tinder dates or drunken mistakes. The man in my life is someone I have known for a while, and it was no surprise we ended up meeting up again and picking up where we left off *wink face*. Embarrassingly enough we matched on Tinder, because I always swipe peopled I know, and we began chatting again. For anyone that knows me, I was a pretty cut-throat bitch when it comes to corny couples and gross displays of affection. BUT I have been broken! I am so ashamed and so happy all at once. I have turned into a f***in love-a-holic. Any moment we’re alone I’m lying all over him, being sweet, saying ‘I love you’ constantly… and it somehow sickens me and makes me smile. We’re still pretty fresh, (9 and half months fresh), so I’m hoping this stuff dies down. Although, maybe we’re even worse because we knew each other before and had a fling years ago. I don’t know… maybe that’s why we’re more comfortable. Anywho, the point is, I’m loved-up and this blog may begin lacking the single girl flair it used to have, however who knows I could be single by next year and we’re back to square one aren’t we?

Life update number two.. I am a working girl, no longer a broke Uni student, I am now a broke Teacher and I love it. I have never been more challenged, stressed and inspired all at once. It has been such a huge learning curve having my very own class, and my very own classroom. I will not post teacher related stories unless they’re f****g hysterical the I will of course need to get it out in the world. I’ll stop teacher talk now because I know it’s boring to anyone who’s not a teacher.

So, to sum up. Sorry for be a lazy f***er, I will try and be a more effective blogger.

try hard.

It’s no secret to my beautiful friends that I f**king love makeup with a passion unseen since Helen of Troy started a war. I love collecting makeup and spend an obscene amount of money it. So it was no surprise that for my birthday I received an eye shadow palette and a MECCA gift card. Definitely presents from the heart. The minute I received the gift card I sped to MECCA and purchased something I have been lusting for from afar for quite some time, like I mean since it was released earlier this year. Every time I graced the store I would swatch this little palette and yearn for it with all my might. BUT the price was way too steep for my liking. The gift card didn’t cover the whole thing but it did do the lions share of the work.

May I present the Hourglass Illume Sheer Colour Trio Palette…

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This delicate little palette is a cream contour palette that retails for a whopping $90….. yes it’s that expensive… Hourglass is a luxury brand and thankfully is cruelty free so that’s a bonus. I have a deep loving and committed relationship with my NARS contour duo but I have always wanted to try and use a cream product, especially with summer upon us Aussies. Having loads of powder of the skin during summer is really uncomfortable and heavy, even for us oily girls. So I marched into MECCA, gift card in hand, and bought this beauty. I waited a full two days before trying this out…. and I was totally let down at first. I had built this up in my head for so long that it was kind of a fizza. I first tried using my fingers to apply the bronzer as a contour and then blend out the cream with a damp sponge. This was horrible, I was left with a dirty bit muddy line down my cheek. Very disappointed at this moment. After all this time and the price of this thing I expected angels to sing on high the minute it graced my cheek. I did however have more luck with the blush and the highlight. The blush is a very peachy pink colour that gives you a lovely flush to the skin, it is harder than bronzer in texture. The highlight is amazing, it’s a mixture of natural and blinding… however I did expect big things from the highlighter as Hourglass is known for their glow factor. With all that being said I was most looking forward to the bronzer and it let me down massively.

Fast forward a month and a million uses more and I finally love this bronzer/contour cream. I tried in vain with the finger/sponge technique before giving up and trying a good old fashioned contour brush. I use the Real Techniques contour brush. Instead of applying the bronzer to my cheek with my finger I decided to just put the brush in the product and then apply and blend from there. This technique is easily the better option for using this bronzer. The minute I applied this with the brush I was blown away, which was the reaction I was hoping for the first time I used this. The contour blends down to a nice ‘natural’ look. I use this as an everyday/dinner contour look. It gives your skin a lovely sun kissed colour. I will say that using your fingers for some reason on me gave the bronzer an orange under tone, but the brush didn’t… go figure?

i’ll never stop.

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Over the past year I have been undergoing a full mind and body overhaul. I gave up processed and refined sugars in my food and drinks, updated my makeup and skincare routines, began reading more and more autobiographies about kickass women, and above all attempted to change my outlook on self esteem. The biggest shift was going to the gym and working out my body from head to toe. I began actually trying to make my body stronger and fitter. What began as a way of losing weight to make myself feel better soon turned into trying to make my body feel better and stronger. After giving up sugar and being careful (for the most part) about what I put in my body the weight began dropping off me. It was an unexpected outcome of what I thought would simply be a minor change. I guess it shows how much sugar and processed foods affect your body. Anyway the point is my body change dramatically, and so did my attitude.

Over this past year more than ever before I have been getting the time old phrase “Oh my god you’re so tiny now!” or “Oh my god how much weight have you lost?”
To be honest I’m getting F***ing sick of it. I try hard to watch what I eat and have some self control over what I put in my body. On a girls night or a long day at Uni people may want to indulge in chocolate and power to them but for me I know that can be a catalyst for a total binge session. I know my limits and I know that food for me is and can be a definite addiction. If I get caught in a food spiral it’s as if I’m a drug addict or an alcoholic on a bender. I carry weight all over my body and I can put it on fast. It’s taken me over a year and half to develop at best a mediocre metabolism. The problem is if I binge eat for a week I’ll put on 2 or 5kg instantly. It’s my curse.

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The thing people need to understand is that just because someone has lost weight and goes to the gym and tries hard, doesn’t mean they can magically stop and keep their new body. Once you start this journey you can never magically reach the Holy Grail and be happy forever and chill out on the beach eating shit all day. Unfortunately I’ll never stop going to the gym, never stop watching what I eat and drink, and I’ll never stop fearing the return of fat me. To be honest I don’t know if I was all that fat, but I was overweight and unhealthy. That version of me will never be from my mind, she will never stop haunting me and my every eating move. The whole reason I began trying to lose weight was because my self-esteem was at zero, zilch, nada, I would fear the mirror and fear seeing myself naked and all my wobbly bits and imperfections. I remember once doing my fake tan (you have to be practically naked in front of a mirror) being close to tears at the sight of my unsightly body fat. I was standing there thinking, ‘Why am I bothering with this tan? As if anyone will notice the tan beyond my fat.’ In my head fat me is huge, to be honest she was probably a size 12 but to me I may as well have been the size of a house .
At that point in time I was eating my feelings. I was going to the gym but no amount of exercise can compete with a horrible diet. And exercising without a purpose or any direction is pointless.

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People need to understand that “You’re so tiny now” is not a compliment. Or my favourite “Why do you go to the gym? You’re not fat” or “Why are you not eating sugar? You’re not fat?” Yeah that’s the reason I’m not fat, I exercise and watch what I eat. Constantly telling someone they’re so skinny NOW, is incredibly insulting and disheartening. The minute you hear ‘NOW’ you begin to think “Well shit, was I that f***ing huge before? Was everyone talking about it and laughing behind my back?” Hearing how skinny and small you have become and hearing the shock in someones voice can completely derail all that positive thinking you’ve been training yourself to do. If someone is going to offer a compliment I’d rather hear “Wow you must’ve worked really hard” Because I did work hard. I didn’t just go on some fad diet and exercise myself so hard that I’d vomit. I did it slowly and I never gave up or stopped tying. Changing your body shouldn’t take a magic number of weeks or months, because changing your mindset never stops. Your mindset and how you think and view exercise and eating is the key to changing your body and health. Becoming smaller didn’t magically change my life or make me happy, changing what I put in my body and watching my body change and grow stronger made me happier.

loves of my life.

There are some makeup products in this world that just make your heart sing when you put them on your pretty little face. Some of these products are oldies, some newbies, and some cheap as chips but you love them all the same. Recently I’ve been noticing that I have been grabbing for the same things almost everyday or every time I go out. If you didn’t know Jaclyn Hill began the ‘ride or die’ tag and this is somewhat of my version. These products may not be ride or die but they are very special to my skin and my heart. Unfortunately most of my soul mates are expensive but some are cheap or at least slightly cheaper.

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Soleil Tan de Chanel
This is definitely a luxury item but it’s worth the splurge. I love bronzers and this takes the cake. The texture is beautiful, it’s like a combination of creamy and moussey and it just melts into the skin. Nothing else I own gives me such a natural bronzed look. I have spoken about this product before so I won’t bore you again…

MAC mineralise blush in Warm Soul; Mineralise Skin Finish in Soft and Gentle
These two little beauties were both my first blush and highlight purchase ever. Warm Soul is an oldie but a goodie, it’s definitely an old cult favourite and it’s absolutely one of mine. These blushes last on the skin and fade nicely by the end of the day. I love subtle pink blushes the most and this is very pretty and soft.
The mineralise skin finish powders are like one of the OG highlighters. I bought this a while ago, like way back when I started collecting makeup and I use it every time I go out. Soft and Gentle is a lovely pink highlight that gives the skin a beautiful healthy glow that lasts all night. This will always be a favourite.

NARS contour duo in Paloma
This was my first contour purchase and I’ve never looked back. If you ant something that’ll chisel your cheekbones with an inch of their life then this is for you. The powder is fool proof and so easily blendable. Before this duo I had never tried to contour properly and was pretty scared of that whole world. BUT this product is so easy to blend. I use the matte highlight under my eyes and under my contour to tidy it up.

Jeffree Star velour liquid lipstick in Mannequin
I cannot get over this colour and formula. I have four Jeffree Star liquid lipsticks and this is definitely my favourite colour. Nothing else in my vast lipstick collection comes close to this nude. Mannequin is the perfect nude colour for my pasty arse skin. These liquid lipsticks dry matte but don’t dry out the lips. I use these without a lip liner as they sit better on bare lips.

Hourglass mineral veil primer
Of all the ridiculously over priced products in the world this one is actually worth the steep price. I have quite large pores and can get ridic oily in the summertime and this little vial of absolute deliciousness is perfect at keeping my foundation from looking like an oil slick. Unfortunately I only have the tiny size cus this thing is so expensive, but I think when this runs out I’ll definitely be getting the jumbo size.

L’Oreal brow artist plumper in brunette
I have quite prominent brows as it is but there are random sparse bits, this brow gel is amazing at plumping and setting the brows. I use this literally everyday, like if I leave without this on my brows then I feel naked. Usually I use it alone but I do use it with brow pencil or style as well when I’m feeling the Audrey Hepburn look.

NARS radiant creamy concealer in Light 2
This was my first purchase from NARS and my first (and only) high end concealer. This is a hit and miss for a lot of people but for me it’s a hit. I have really bad dark circles beneath my eyes and this is one of the few concealers than can actually cover everything and brighten the area. This stuff can crease so I always immediately set it with translucent powder, but once it’s set it doesn’t budge.

Rimmel stay matte in transparent
Of all my pressed powders I go for this one the most, well the most at the moment cus my MAC powder is too dark. This simple little cheap powder from Rimmel does wonders for keeping me matte all day long. You need a light hand with this though or foundation turns cakey real quick. All you need is one or taps of your brush and a push into your skin.

Bare Minerals complexion rescue gel
The second I used this beautiful little gel I fell in love. Yes I have spoken about this before so I won’t dwell too much on it. This is a great everyday staple if you’re looking for something to just give you a light coverage that hides all those little spots you hate.