how to appear like you have your shit together.

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So as I begin closing in on my mid twenties I have begun thinking “How the hell does everyone have their shit together?” However as I looked closer I begun to think maybe they don’t have it all together. Maybe they’re faking it. Because when it comes down to it, do we ever get our shit together? Do our parents actually have it all figured out? Or do we just think they do? I don’t know about you all but when I’m in trouble I instantly think ‘F**k I need to call mum’ or when something is serious ‘Holy shit I need my dad here now’. Are our parents just great actors? Probably. I mean they survived twenty four years of me, they survived the childhood years of my life pretending to be excited about every little shitty thing I put forth. I know they’re faking that shit because I work with children, I spend most of my days pretending to be excited about a million pictures of a f***ing rainbow. So maybe adulthood isn’t having it altogether, maybe it’s about becoming the best goddamn actor in the world. I mean our parents could surely win an oscar for the amount of fake smiles they’ve plastered on for every shitty school play and every time you passed a test.

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So I began thinking, what do I do in my days to fake it? Because we all fake things. Whether it’s orgasms, loving our jobs, enjoying uni, or being excited for some bitches ugly baby. Why do we fake it? Because it’s easier than walking around telling everyone how you actually feel. It’s so much easier to reply “I’m good thanks” than actually say “I’m stressed as f**k right now and I have a bottle of wine at home waiting for me.” Everyone out there is stressing, whether it’s about money, impending deadlines, going to a shitty job every day, or worrying about what to do after university inevitably finishes.

Always appear well rested: This can be achieved either by wearing some BB cream or my personal favourite CC cream. These simple little things allow any woman or man to fake it. They give your skin a healthy glow. So if you’ve spent a whole night worrying and stressing or just generally freaking out, then bust out that cream.

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Dry shampoo is key: I am lazy as f**k when it comes to washing my hair regularly, so my saviour has become dry shampoo. This shit is incredible at faking as though you’re organised and well groomed. Because let’s face it, women are actually a lot more disgusting than society would have us believe.

Less is more: When it comes to looking classy AF, low key is the only option. My wardrobe consists of pretty much only black, white and grey clothing. This isn’t because I don’t like colour, this is because these colours make impact without much effort. Stick to a few key pieces of clothing, nice shoes and some perfume. This is my go to only because I’m too lazy to get up early enough to actually create a cool, chic ensemble. So I fake my style.

Remain calm…on the outside: Most of my time at uni is spent stressing the f**k out. With looming deadlines and huge assignments creeping upon me I feel as though I’m being crushed. However I have learnt the art of faking my cool. People assume I’m a chilled gal with no time for stressing. How wrong they are. For people who actually know me, they’ll know I’m stressing out about 90% of the time.

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For the single girls, get a decent vibrator: Nothing fakes a healthy glow more than regular orgasms. We all know this to be true. Sex makes you happier, and makes you feel better. So for those of us without a penis in our lives, go out and grab yourself a good vibrator because that thing will come in handy when you begin feeling stressed or frustrated.

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Own a small selection of great make up: So I love make up, but I hate doing it every day. In my selection I own pieces of make up that would be considered “too expensive”. However with these lipsticks, foundations and palettes, you’re faking it till you make it. I mean what fakes money more than quality products? May I suggest MAC, they’re quite amazing.

Own a pet of some kind: Owning a dog or a cat can show the world that you can physically care for another creature. However deep down you know that little bitch is such a burden on your life. They shit, piss, eat and f**k up your life. However they’re a living thing you’re keeping alive, so kudos.

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Be able to provide random facts or trivia regarding art, science, old celebrities and fashion: Knowing things that don’t reference pop culture as we know it will give you an air of sophistication. I regularly prattle on about random facts no one knows or speak about old celebrities (who in my opinion are classy AF compared to their modern counterparts). Always be prepared to up talk some random old movie you watched recently.

Be able to drink wine: Nothing screams I have my life together more than being able to drink wine, of any kind. You know those people who ‘don’t drink wine’? Yeah me neither, I cut them out. I’m sorry but if I have to act like I have my shit together then I need people around me who aren’t gonna push that negative influence on me. Drinking wine is a must, you must be able to attend a wine tasting and enjoy it. I mean what’s more snobbish than liking a wine tasting?

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