Why I’ll always be a paranoid woman.

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I don’t know about the rest of you ladies but I’m sick of the vague, cool, chilled mysterious chick that men seem to eat up like catnip. I don’t know what annoys me about them or why these women seem to infuriate me. Probably because I wish I was that chilled. I wish I wouldn’t let things get to me that much or scare me that much. When it comes to hiding my fears I’m generally a good actor, I mean I could take out the Oscar for my performances over the years. Some of my friends don’t even know how paranoid of a person I am. Seriously though some days it’s lucky I even leave the house.

Now I’m not saying I’m so paranoid I’ll never do things but I will stand there thinking of everything that will go wrong. It’s not a matter of could but will. When it comes to matters of the heart, well my paranoia reaches a new level of crazy white girl. In fact more often than not I’m acting so hard that I forget to actually feel what I need to. I forget to just let myself be scared, be paranoid, and be afraid beyond belief. So it has now become a compulsion to admit, to at least myself, that I feel things.

My fears really just boil down to my own personal safety. Whether its physical safety or emotional safety. Either way I’m so terrified of being hurt in any way that I take on a persona of a woman who is calm and sarcastic. I make fun of myself before anyone else has the chance to. I will hurt myself before anyone else has the chance to. In social situations I become the girl with no filter, the funny one for the night, the sarcastic girl who can talk easily to men. I become a girl that can speak like a man because if I act like a girl who wants to flirt then its safe to say I will become a paranoid 16 year old once again.
Yes this is seriously how much I over think things. 

I will always be a paranoid woman. Whether I’m flying, driving, or going out alone at night, I will be worrying but no one will ever know except those who can see. Because in the end if you’re a paranoid person you can pick the other paranoid bitches around you.

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