So as I sat around at my friends house on a seedy Sunday morning the topic of conversation eventually steered towards sex and more specifically dicks. During this conversation it dawned on me that women truly have no filter around each other. This was made more obvious when my friends boyfriend walked in the room and immediately gave a look of ‘are you seriously speaking like this?’ Well eventually one thing led to another and we found our way onto reddit. I have never experienced reddit so it came as a surprise to me when my friend told me there is a place on there called ‘lady-boners’. Which basically consists of shirtless and naked men. For the next hour or so I’m not even ashamed to say that we looked at and laughed at dicks. This hour was possibly one of the funniest moments in my whole goddamn life. I was f**king loving it. The whole thing was so freeing. In short I think I saw more dicks in that hour than I had in my whole life up to that point. The conversation of course consisted of these classic one-liners;
Aw poor dude.
S**t well done man.
What the f**k is that? Is that his dick?
It looks like a question mark but I don’t know the answer.
Ew pull the skin back man, it looks like a stuffed olive.
Oh my god what the actual f**k did I just witness.
Why do men think a dick shot from the bottom is alright? I’m basically looking at balls.
Do men know they’re small?
Ok so at this point the list could go on. Of course my friends boyfriend looked at us and asked the question “what kind of dick do you want?” The three of us ladies looked at each other, laughed and said “women actually don’t particularly like the look of a dick, but it’s all about the girth.” That’s not to say women don’t love a long dick, but it needs some width to it. The following conversation then happened;
Oh my god a worm dick is the worst! It looks likes a snake, like what even is that?
Ew yeah I’ve totally experienced a micro dick, I swear I actually thought ‘is it in?’
My perfect dick would be long, but not too long, and thick as f**k. Oh and slightly curved up so it hits the spot.
Yeah a bend is good when it bends the right way, but you don’t want it stabbing you in the side.
So yeah it’s safe to say we have no filter. I’m not even that close to one of these girls, only one is my actual friend. However none of us had any trouble blatantly talking about dicks and looking at dicks for the better part of an afternoon. It began to hit me that women speak more in depth and more truthfully about sex than men do. I’ve listened to my mates and they’re gross BUT the most disgusting things said are said by women. Why are we honest with each other? Because put simply women need to know that there’s someone else out there experiencing these things. We need to know that we’re not alone in the world of navigating sex and penises. The most disgusting things that happen to us are so horrifyingly bad that we need to share the experience so at least one person can say ‘Oh my god that happened to me’. Because there’s nothing more reassuring than knowing someone else out there has had those awkward sexual encounters that leave you a little scarred.
This basic need to vent to a girlfriend is so innate within me that I don’t understand those women out there who don’t have girlfriends. You know those women who don’t hang out with women? Yeah they freak me out, they’re missing out on such an important part of friendship. There’s only so much you can say to a male friend. A male friend can laugh and nod but he can’t empathise. My best conversations, strike that, my grossest conversations have happened with my girlfriends. Those conversations with no filter, nothing is off limits and you begin sharing some of the most hardcore shit you’ll share with another human being.
Ladies stop censoring yourselves because there’s at least one other woman out there who has had the same thing happen to her.