what you wish your mother told you.

That you’ll have to work harder to be thin than what other girls seem to. 

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We all know those women who seem to effortlessly remain thin and fit without much effort. Yes I envy them beyond belief. Much like I envy that bitch at the gym with the perfectly toned body and a booty so high and perky you’re sure you could bounce a coin off it. I wish my mother had told me I’d have to work harder because unfortunately being naturally curvy means I put on weight so fast you’ll swear it’s black magic. So I go to the gym almost everyday to stay slim and fit enough that I can actually do ten real push ups (I know I’m a hero).

That yes you actually do need to pee after sex. 

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Cheers mum for never telling me this. Thank god I read enough Dolly Doctor (Aussies girls you feel me?) to actually become aware of this apparent rule. I didn’t believe this rule until a friend of mine got a UTI because she didn’t do this. Her mother neglected to inform her of this unwritten rule all women are apparently meant to magically know from birth. Cheers mum.

That you can’t wash your lady bits with soap. 

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Again thanks mum I loved finding this one out the hard way while I was camping for a week. After what seemed to be the most awful stint of irritation I’d ever suffered, a girlfriend of mine informed me there’s such a thing as intimate wash. Who knew? Also there’s such a thing as feminine relief wipes and cream! Thanks mum I really enjoyed learning this at the embarrassingly old age of 23.

That sex is actually terrible at first. 

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I mean the only frame of reference a teenager has is romantic movies. As an impressionable young fool you sit there and watch the beautiful people roll around on a bed while some backing track plays along. The people in the scene have no cellulite, no random bruises, blemishes or imperfections what so ever. There’s no awkward skin noises or sex sounds. In short these scenes are a f***king lie. The first time you have sex you’re most likely in the worse pain you’ve ever felt because up until then the only thing to be inside there was a tampon. And the lie that sex doesn’t hurt after that first time needs to stop. I don’t know about you ladies but it took me a f***king long time to actually enjoy sex. A young woman needs to know that it will take quite some time for you to ‘stretch’ enough.

That random body hairs start appearing much much sooner than you think. 

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Hopefully I’m not alone on this one. The random body hairs I’m talking about are those nice little chin and side burn hairs, the random nipple hair and those lovely little hairs that appear as though you have a snail trail. Yes I would have loved to have been told I would need to start plucking these bad boys in my twenties, who am I kidding I started in my teens. It would have been great to have known that yes boys notice these and yes they gossip about it. Cheers to you mum and those lovely adolescent pricks I went to high school with, you made my time there even more enjoyable…

That sex is disgusting and loud. 

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Yet again movies lie and so does your mother. Sex is f***king gross. The noises, sweating, grunting and awkward arm jabs… No one told me of this and movies just magically edit out these moments. Because after you start having sex you begin to realise that these noises and moments are totally normal. However not knowing this meant giggling from me when I first heard that chest fart noise. It would have been nice to know that having it slip out is normal, or that awkwardly you don’t actually know who’s meant to put it in there anyway.

That men will break your heart and it’s not like in the movies. 

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Yeah of course mother’s want to protect us from the heartache of dating and falling out of love. Is there anything worse than seeing your child in pain? I can’t blame my mum for this but I would’ve liked to have known that love doesn’t always work out. I would liked to have known that when it doesn’t work it’s not like the movies, he doesn’t always come back for you, in fact he moves on faster than you wanted to believe.

That it’s ok to not be sure if you want to be a mother despite what society says. 

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So yes I don’t know if I want children, despite the fact I work with children on almost a daily basis. However that doesn’t mean I want to be a mother, or that I think I’m cut out to be a mother. It would have been nice for my mother to tell me this when I was younger, because society will judge a woman who is unsure or sure of whether or not she wants to actually be a mother. Some women aren’t cut out for it, they’re meant to be something else and that’s perfectly ok. Because a woman is amazing no matter what her life choice.

That having female friendships is imperative for your sanity. 

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I love my friends so this was easy to learn on my own, however I think some women needed to know this as teenagers. It’s easy to say you’ve been hurt by bitches in the past but that doesn’t mean we’re all bitches – just like not all men are assholes because one broke your heart. Those girls you kept around since high school, university or those rare ladies you meet as an adult, keep them close because they’ll do anything for you if you do anything for them.

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