we never hug.

 

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This post goes out to a chick I call best friend. To most she’s one of those perfect people that intimidate you just by being near them. She’s not mean or harsh she’s just beautiful and perfect. She holds herself well and welcomes everyone around her with open arms. She’s that person you meet with the tough but amazing job who somehow still manages to resemble a goddamn model. Yes sometimes I have an inferiority complex when I’m around her, but who doesn’t with some friends? You’re meant to surround yourself with good, positive people and she’s definitely one of those… it’s probably inevitable that at some point you compare yourself to your friends.

Unlike every other friendship I have we’re not affectionate. Well we’re not affectionate in a physical way. We don’t hug hello or goodbye, we don’t randomly lean on each other or randomly hug the other. In fact to look at us we’re pretty passive. We sit opposite the other and talk. We say goodbye and walk to our cars, and that’s usually that. Once upon a time before boyfriends, careers, study or general life shit we were inseparable. We were those friends who were lumped into the same breath because we went everywhere together. After finishing high school those precious few years of blissful fake adulthood were spent doing everything together. We learnt how to drink together, took mini road trips together, would  see each other whenever we were bored. I guess you take those years for granted. Those blissful years of zero responsibility were so easy that you forget to savour them.

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To be honest the thought never occurred to me until the other day. We had lunch together, spoke for a while and then left without a hug. I hug all my other friends and some I’m much more affectionate with than the others. However something about our friendship doesn’t seem to call for hugs or kisses on cheeks. For my part I’m almost subconsciously seeking approval from her because I view her as the ultimate person. I almost want to somehow become this unattainable perfect person because that’s how I view her. Sometimes I’ve even found myself feeling as though I’m not good enough for her. That somehow deep down inside I’m just not perfect enough. I suppose that speaks volumes about my self worth views….
More often than not I get jealous of other friends she speaks about, not because they’re friends but because of the way she talks about them. They’re spoken about with such love and affection that I begin to think maybe I’m not on the same level. People may assume I view her as a frenemy but that’s not the case at all. We’re not in competition, I just find myself comparing who I am to her. Which is unhealthy but I’m sure we all have that one friend who we look up to.

With all this being said though I can honestly say I have reached a place where I celebrate my flaws, attempt to change them for the better, or I’ve simply accepted that there are just some things you cannot change about yourself. To be fair I think we’re friends, and have been friends for ten years because we’re both exact twins and exact opposites. We think the same when it comes to most things but not everything. I am the person who always puts her foot in her mouth and says something stupid, but she pretty much always says the right thing. In many ways we balance each other out. I’m the dysfunctional Bart and she’s the together Lisa (or Maggie, let’s face it she was in charge).

To my perfectly beautiful girl. You know who you are and I know you don’t think these things about you, which is why people want to be around you. You’re incredibly humble and I honestly believe you have no clue how much I do look up to you and admire you.

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