i’ll never stop.

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Over the past year I have been undergoing a full mind and body overhaul. I gave up processed and refined sugars in my food and drinks, updated my makeup and skincare routines, began reading more and more autobiographies about kickass women, and above all attempted to change my outlook on self esteem. The biggest shift was going to the gym and working out my body from head to toe. I began actually trying to make my body stronger and fitter. What began as a way of losing weight to make myself feel better soon turned into trying to make my body feel better and stronger. After giving up sugar and being careful (for the most part) about what I put in my body the weight began dropping off me. It was an unexpected outcome of what I thought would simply be a minor change. I guess it shows how much sugar and processed foods affect your body. Anyway the point is my body change dramatically, and so did my attitude.

Over this past year more than ever before I have been getting the time old phrase “Oh my god you’re so tiny now!” or “Oh my god how much weight have you lost?”
To be honest I’m getting F***ing sick of it. I try hard to watch what I eat and have some self control over what I put in my body. On a girls night or a long day at Uni people may want to indulge in chocolate and power to them but for me I know that can be a catalyst for a total binge session. I know my limits and I know that food for me is and can be a definite addiction. If I get caught in a food spiral it’s as if I’m a drug addict or an alcoholic on a bender. I carry weight all over my body and I can put it on fast. It’s taken me over a year and half to develop at best a mediocre metabolism. The problem is if I binge eat for a week I’ll put on 2 or 5kg instantly. It’s my curse.

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The thing people need to understand is that just because someone has lost weight and goes to the gym and tries hard, doesn’t mean they can magically stop and keep their new body. Once you start this journey you can never magically reach the Holy Grail and be happy forever and chill out on the beach eating shit all day. Unfortunately I’ll never stop going to the gym, never stop watching what I eat and drink, and I’ll never stop fearing the return of fat me. To be honest I don’t know if I was all that fat, but I was overweight and unhealthy. That version of me will never be from my mind, she will never stop haunting me and my every eating move. The whole reason I began trying to lose weight was because my self-esteem was at zero, zilch, nada, I would fear the mirror and fear seeing myself naked and all my wobbly bits and imperfections. I remember once doing my fake tan (you have to be practically naked in front of a mirror) being close to tears at the sight of my unsightly body fat. I was standing there thinking, ‘Why am I bothering with this tan? As if anyone will notice the tan beyond my fat.’ In my head fat me is huge, to be honest she was probably a size 12 but to me I may as well have been the size of a house .
At that point in time I was eating my feelings. I was going to the gym but no amount of exercise can compete with a horrible diet. And exercising without a purpose or any direction is pointless.

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People need to understand that “You’re so tiny now” is not a compliment. Or my favourite “Why do you go to the gym? You’re not fat” or “Why are you not eating sugar? You’re not fat?” Yeah that’s the reason I’m not fat, I exercise and watch what I eat. Constantly telling someone they’re so skinny NOW, is incredibly insulting and disheartening. The minute you hear ‘NOW’ you begin to think “Well shit, was I that f***ing huge before? Was everyone talking about it and laughing behind my back?” Hearing how skinny and small you have become and hearing the shock in someones voice can completely derail all that positive thinking you’ve been training yourself to do. If someone is going to offer a compliment I’d rather hear “Wow you must’ve worked really hard” Because I did work hard. I didn’t just go on some fad diet and exercise myself so hard that I’d vomit. I did it slowly and I never gave up or stopped tying. Changing your body shouldn’t take a magic number of weeks or months, because changing your mindset never stops. Your mindset and how you think and view exercise and eating is the key to changing your body and health. Becoming smaller didn’t magically change my life or make me happy, changing what I put in my body and watching my body change and grow stronger made me happier.

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