the change over.

So, I have never been in a long-term or serious relationship before now. Up until now I thought the only response to having a big fight was to break up. It’s safe to say that I am not exactly qualified to navigate through the murky waters of a relationship changing from fresh and new to beginning to change into something serious. Those awkward few months are challenging to say the least. What was once easy and breezy, something that was new and different, has now begun to turn into something that could become a long-term partnership. It’s fucking scary falling in love. I’m not talking young love; I’m talking love that could lead to life-long memories and milestones. The problem is when you begin to legitimately picture buying a house with this person, getting engaged, travelling the world, or believe it or not picturing babies with this person, you begin to worry about the shit that could go wrong.

Over the past few months I’ve noticed a pattern developing between my partner and I. The pattern goes:

• Go a few weeks with no sex.
• Work long hours and get irritated at anything because we’re sleep deprived.
• Have no time or energy to break the slump developing.
• Argue because we haven’t been intimate for a while and booking in times to have sex isn’t working because we both live at home and it’s not always predictable.
• Finally promise a night of being together but having a lame argument about something that doesn’t matter.

Safe to say this pattern is unacceptable. I couldn’t understand why this was happening. We’d have an awesome date, drink and laugh, go home and then realise we’re tired and drank too much so we’d be disappointed that we hadn’t had sex and go to sleep awkwardly (well I did anyway). Eventually this kind of behaviour comes to a head and you both snap and have your first actual real adult world fight. It dawned on me that from my end of things I was arguing with him more because yes I was tired, but also I had never had to make the move from single girl to someone in a committed relationship. It’s kind of scary making the move from ‘I’ to ‘us’.

I was a single gal for quite some time and got very used to being alone and doing what I wanted and when. My decisions didn’t factor in a possible future with someone else, if I wanted something I bought it, or if I wanted to go somewhere I went, there was no thought. As a single woman, you learn how to be alone and how to be enough for yourself. It’s such an important time in any woman’s life because you learn what you want and what’s most important to you. You become safe in the knowledge that you are enough and that you can go after anything you want. The safety net of singledom is knowing that no one else can hurt you except yourself. Guarding your heart and your dreams becomes effortless, it’s almost too easy closing that part of you off from the world. Dates become disposable, merely something to pass the time. So, when someone comes along unexpectedly you must learn how to open yourself up again. It will take a while and your partner needs to be patient. For any girl that’s been hurt and lied to it’s inevitable that when you begin to show your feelings you also begin to second guess your partner’s feelings for you. Little fights or arguments or bad moods lead you to think that they’re going to leave you because that’s what always happens. This doubt happens because you have been so used to protecting yourself that you go into overdrive because now your feelings are in someone else’s hands. So, naturally the arguments start happening because you’re convinced that this person will hurt you. But they don’t, yet anyway.

Making the change from being an independent single girl to one of two is terrifying. Even more terrifying is actually taking steps together to begin planning for your future and setting up plans for living together and building a life together. Some steps seem small at the time but every step is a huge one in hindsight.
I suppose everyone adjusts to relationship life differently. The most important thing I’ve learnt to do is to be honest with how I’m feeling without fear of the other ‘deciding’ to leave.

worst date ever.

Some dates go down in history as the greatest night ever. You regale your friends with tales of how much chemistry was flowing between the two of you. Each hour between texts is agonising as you wait for them to respond. And there are those dates that you can’t wait to leave. Those horrific moments that you gossip with your friends about. These are the dates that almost linger in your mind longer than those amazing ones.

It’s been almost two years since this horrific date and I will never forget it. I hadn’t thought about it months until I was out with my man and trading horror stories. Lesson learnt from this conversation: women seem to suffer more bad dates than men, and women are apparently more susceptible to horrible sex. After telling the boyfriend about this horrific experience, I decided it should be shared with the world.

The meeting happened over Tinder, obviously all bad dates come from Tinder. We chatted for almost two weeks before actually meeting because he was out of town for some of the week and I was busy with Uni. The banter was ok, he seemed unable to sense sarcasm… first warning sign. Unfortunately, my witty banter is almost exclusively sarcasm. We had some things in common, but I was honestly grasping at straws in order to make some chemistry happen. He was nice, polite, and not talking to me about sex, of course I was attempting to create some connection. Anywho, our date eventually happened on a Friday night. It was to be in the city.

NOTE: I am a suburban girl and unashamed, I am uncool and unhip, I rarely travel and bar hop in the city because I have no clue of where to go.

So I drove to his place in the near outer suburbs of the city and met him outside his place. It was assumed I may have to crash because we were going drinking. After a few weeks of chatting, I felt ok crashing, if I thought he was a creep I could feign illness and drive myself home. The second the date began I could tell there was probably going to be no chemistry or sparks. He was nice enough but boring. Nothing charming about him, nothing overly humorous, and he seemed kind of awkward around me. Despite this feeling I ploughed on hoping for the best and being open to this date. We went bar hopping and this seemed perfect at making the night more fun. My first big warning of the night was… he didn’t offer to a) pay for any of my drinks, and b) didn’t go into any drinks rounds with me despite the fact I attempted to initiate this and buy him a drink when I went up to the bar. I’m sorry, I may be a modern day girl but if I buy you a f***ing drink, at least offer to buy one back. OR if you finish your drink and I’ve finished mine maybe ask me if I’d like another one. VERY VERY RUDE. I was pretty turned off at this point, and very shocked. He knew I was working part time and studying, while he was working full time. If this is the case then at least go halvesies. So far the date was uninspiring.

Fast forward a few more bars and a dozen more drinks, we were back at his place watching a movie on his bed. Obviously this is where you cue the kissing and touching. The intimate moments began and it was nice, nothing special. Continue along and he’s trying his best to impress me and we’re naked. It’s safe to say this little solider was not going to make the cut. I was lying there awkward and bored. To make matters worse…. when the big moment finally came and he climbed on top and began trying his hardest I knew something was terribly wrong. I don’t exaggerate a single moment of this, the second he started one thought ran through my mind; “Is it in?”
I kid you not, nothing was felt. The sinking feeling of realising yes in fact he was in, was more depressing than I could have imagined. This horror story continued when he pulled out and the condom clean fell off and was left behind inside me. The poor dude lost all ability to keep it on when he went down. I will never forget the awkward moment of pulling it out of myself…

Well, that was it. The worst date ever. I spent a lot on drinks, had no orgasm, and felt no spark. A lack of orgasm is always forgiven if the spark is there, I mean no one finishes the first time, but without the spark there’s no reason trying again. I’m not proud, but after the incident I was so awkward I just left it, I ghosted him and I never thought I would be the kind of person to do that. My one main lesson learnt from this experience… just hold out for the person who gives you butterflies because anything less than that is a waste of my time.

the high road.

I’ll be the first to admit that I thoroughly enjoy hearing about my ex’s hardships. I’m not ashamed at all because, put simply, he broke my heart continually after we broke up without even saying a word to me. So my friends for the past year have been updating me on his now crazy ex-girlfriend and how much he’s been suffering. At first it just made me smile. I’ll put my hand up and say I was a bitter ex-girlfriend who would’ve slapped him in the face if I ever saw him in public. However deep down (unfortunately) I always aim to be a classy lady, reminiscent of Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn. So when I finally did see him again I took the high road. Obviously there was the awkward few hours of the gathering where neither of us actually spoke to the other and just avoided eye contact. BUT I was not about to be the one to speak first. I may be a lady but I’m stubborn. To be honest our first few words to each other were random awkward comments. Neither of us knew the rules. There are no rules for taking to an ex, especially if there’s some bad blood in the past. Unfortunately for me his friends are my friends… so I have to play nice…

Our first real conversation in over a year began because my friend drew on his face with lipstick while she was drunk and he couldn’t get it off. So being the classy as f**k lady that I am, I offered to clean his face with some of my makeup wipes and trusty micellar water. Should be noted we were at a house so this was on hand.
So there we were… me wiping his face and him trying not to make awkward eye contact. All ya can do is laugh right? I just couldn’t hold back the giggles. Who’d have thought a year ago we would be alone in a room, me wiping lipstick off his face and us actually smiling at the other. It was honestly like one of those awesome break up moments from a movie or something. We were talking, but actually talking about real things. To be honest it was really nice speaking with him. We were close once and there was a reason we dated once… does that reason just fade away? For us, I actually felt really comfortable being alone with him and just talking. To be fair actually chattin with him made me miss being around him. Not in a romantic way, but in a friendship way.

Can ex’s be friends? It’s like the ultimate question when it comes to a failed romance. Can two people who were once emotionally and physically intimate actually be friends without sex confusing everything? I would say no… just for me I know myself and if I were in a certain situation I would totally have sex with (or try to have sex with) my ex. For some reason there will always be a chemistry there. For some weird reason I still myself attracted to him and let it be said I still randomly fantasise about us having sex. Only because the sex was great, because we were friends.
To be fair we probably will be forced into some form of a friendship because we’ll always be connected in some way. I think that’s comforting. Knowing that he will be there in some way is strangely nice to know.

perfume love.

Unlike a lot of people I don’t particularly have one signature scent. Although I have one perfume that I have worn for years and will continue to wear for years to come, I do like switching it up depending on occasion or season. I can get bored of a scent so I like to have a few options to switch things up. For a while I only had two fragrances but over the past few months I have begun collecting perfumes on sale. So many pharmacies (drug stores) have amazing sales and specials on fragrances, especially celebrity fragrances. I actually quite like a lot of celebrity fragrances, they aren’t too serious and are usually quite different and fun. However nothing beats a highly rated high-end fragrance, there’s a reason they’re so expensive and it’s because that shit lasts on your skin.
So I thought I’d do a little extension of my beauty collection by talking about my little fragrance collection.

(Top to bottom)
Britney Spears Curious
Chanel, Chance (eau Fraiche)
Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream
Katy Perry Killer Queen
Lady Gaga Fame 

So I have wanted Curious by Britney Spears since I was 12, I only recently purchased this from Chemist Warehouse because it was only like $20. It has taken me 12 damn years to finally buy this and I fricken love it as much as I did as a teenager. I had the body wash and body lotion of this line but always wanted the actual perfume. The minute I tested this again in store I was instantly transported back to my teens. This actually lasts a really long time on the skin, which is surprising because it is a celebrity fragrance. It probably lasts so long because it is an “eau de parfum” which means the perfume content is much higher than an “eau de toilette”. Plus this was made in conjunction with Elizabeth Arden, and if you grew up smelling Elizabeth Arden Red Door on your mother then you know her scents are very strong.

Chance by Chanel was my very first high end fragrance. It was a Christmas gift from my parents and I f**kin love this perfume. So I actually have the “eau Fraiche” version of this line. Chanel released four Chance fragrances – eau de parfum, eau Fraiche, eau tendre, and eau vive. The eau Fraiche is the green fragrance and is the lightest of them all. I grew up absolutely idolising Chanel and the entire house of Chanel (like I have a whole bloody book on Chanel), so I have always wanted a Chanel perfume. However I feel that you need to work your way up through the fragrances. I actually get really offended (probably an over-reaction) when young girls wear No. 5. I’m sorry but you need to earn Chanel No. 5. It is such an iconic sophisticated scent that anyone under 35 shouldn’t wear it. You definitely need to be a lady to wear it. However Chance is the absolute perfect fragrance for a young woman. Then maybe work your way up to Coco Mademoiselle and then No. 5, (just my opinion).

Marc Jacobs creates such beautiful fragrances that I believe everyone should own one. They’re so beautiful and fresh that they’re perfect for a young or more mature woman. Daisy Dream is my absolute favourite (aside from Dot, but let’s face it Dot is hella expensive) of his line. Although Daisy is beautiful I find Daisy Dream to be much fresher and summery. I only have a smaller bottle of this and am trying to prolong the life as much as possible. Like the minute this dips below the flowers on the bottle I’ll cry.

So I haven’t actually really worn Killer Queen by Katy Perry yet but I loved the way this smelled when I tested it. This actually sits quite well one my skin and I can’t wait to test how well this wears throughout a day. Unlike the other scents this is sexy somehow, like very deep and seductive. I would probably wear this for a night out.

Oh Lady Gaga… the woman can do no wrong in my books. I f**kin love Gaga and have loved her since the minute she released Just Dance all those years ago. Fame by Lady Gaga is so unique, not only because of the colour and the bottle (which are both damn cool) but because of the scent. This is a combination of honey, tiger orchid, saffron, apricot and other scents such as incense. It is a really sexy scent, I mean Gaga promoted this scent as being a sophisticated hooker, so yeah it’s gonna smell sexy.

cray cray thoughts you have when your period is late.

Every woman probably knows the panic you feel when your period is late. Even though sometimes you’re not even sexually active you still panic. However if by happy chance you’ve found your way into a suitors bed and had some fun times under the sheets then odds are you probably panic twice as hard. So I thought I’d just compile all the random, ridiculous thoughts you have when you’re little red mate hasn’t arrived on time.

• Oh my god I’m late…
• Shit…. when did I have sex?
• Have I had sex recently?
• Did I actually bang that guy when I was pissed that one time three months ago?
• Have I been pregnant this whole time?
• Like one of those freaky girls you hear about on the news?
• No that can’t be right.
• Maybe I’m just stressed.
• I mean I do feel bloated, so that’s a good thing right?
• Holy crap was that condom out of date?
• Did he put it on properly?
• F**k what if I’m pregnant?
• Shit should I like research how to get rid of it? OR just prepare for my life as a mum?
• No, no, just calm down girl you’re only two days late just chill the f**k out.
• I am sick at the moment so maybe it’s just pushed it back a little…
• STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!
• Why does your body make your period late the more you stress about it?! Like what a cruel and heartless bitch my uterus is. “I know you’re freaking out but jokes I’m gonna just hold onto this mess up in here” My body is a bitch.
• Maybe if I just shove a tampon up there… that could just make the blood come out?
• I should have taken he morning after pill just to be safe.
• Why the fuck did I get lazy and go off my pill?!
• That’s it I’m never having sex again it’s way too stressful.
• I’m just using a vibrator from now on, you can’t get pregnant from a vibrator.
• Day three…. what the f**king f**k???? Where the hell is it?
• That’s it I’m pregnant.
• I knew it.
• I wasn’t feeling sick because of those nuggets I shoved in m gob it’s morning sickness at 8pm.
• If I wake up tomorrow with clean undies I’m gonna flip a table.
• Day four… THANK F**K YAS, I don’t even care that I’ve ruined this cute pair of knickers, I’m not pregnant!!

them first dates feels.

Imagine this – you’ve met a nice boy who actually wants to see you, replies to your texts, is keen on organising future dates and is amazing in bed. Sounds pretty darn good yeah? Well in theory it should be. In theory a single girl in the beginning dates and flirtatious texts should be jumping for joy. I mean you’re having fun, you’re smiling when you’re phone goes off and its him, you’re still wearing makeup and wearing cute outfits, and you’re still shaving above the knee. This time in your life should be amazing, you should be feeling happy and relaxed by this surprise new dating partner. However you’re not feeling that way. In fact most of the time you’re f**king terrified and hate the pauses and long hours between text messages. You’re still sure he’s being paid to see you, cus let’s face it why else would a cute nice boy wanna actually go out with out you? In those terrifying hours waiting for a text from him you begin to think of some crazy shit – ‘omg he must have gotten a girlfriend in the past day’; ‘Holy shit he’s realised he can do better’; ‘F**k I shouldn’t have put that smiley face emoji in, it was too much, he probably thinks I’m needy’; ‘What if he’s realised I’m actually the worst?’; ‘F**k what if my friends said something to him about me and now he knows how crazy I am’.
Legit this is what women think, I am not exaggerating.

Those first dates are meant to the be the best ever. You’re meant to be excited at the prospect of a new crush or excited that you like someone who actually seems like a decent human being. However for those single ladies out there who have been lied to, ditched, ghosted, heart broken or basically destroyed, then no these first dates are the actual worst. Feeling vulnerable enough to actually get a crush on someone is deadly for those of us who have built ourselves a snug little steel exterior. Feelings are the worst. It’s bad enough I constantly obsess over my friendships, but add a crush into the mix and it’s literally hell on the Earth. Actually liking someone makes those of us who hate feelings, just hate the experience even more. Casual dating is so much easier for those of us who have actually had to admit that maybe we’re the ones scared of a relationship. Perhaps at some point along the road we realised that maybe we’re terrified of actually opening up to the possibility of a crush or feelings. Because opening up means we can get hurt. And getting hurt is something we don’t deal with well. Maybe when we began dating in high school or dating in our first years out of high school we enjoyed it. We may have loved the feelings of a new crush then but now there is nothing more panic inducing than opening up to someone and actually liking them.

While you’re on the date you love it. While you’re able to be your beautiful charming self in person the dating game seems great. When he smiles at you, holds your hand, kisses you, or just stares into your eyes, you wouldn’t trade those feelings for anything. However in those days between dates, those hours between texts, and the times you don’t see him in person you regret and question everything and anything. Every tiny little “mistake” you make, every text you send first without reply, every time you speak about him you regret it. I mean everyone knows if you talk about a crush then it won’t go anywhere cus you’ve jinxed it…right?

And yet in spite of all these feelings we plough on cus deep down we know that hell I’m damn cute and hella dateable. What dude wouldn’t want me? Even though many of us won’t make it past date number two or maybe five, we still try. We try because at some point we need to grow up, grow some balls and just go on dates with that cute guy.

 

men who ruined you, part 2.

Previously I spoke about the men who ruined you since childhood. Those guys you crushed on in preadolescence before those raging hormones infested your body during puberty. The men I’m about to describe are the men who ruined you from teenagehood all the way to your mid-twenties. These men show your developing taste. In the journey of becoming an adult and entering the adult dating world these men are the ones you’ll fantasise about when you’re in bed with an untalented dude. They’re the men you’ll think about when you’re alone in bed. You’ll think about them when you’re judging a guy on a date. Most likely these men have destroyed your basic concept of what you actually want in a man.

Harry Styles. 

Judge all you want but don’t sit there and tell me you don’t find Harry Styles sexy as f**k. I mean look at that cute smirk and wonderful stare. How could you not get pregnant just looking at it!? Styles is the perfect example of your secret desire for a funny, super chill dude that’s probably a bit of a commitment-phobe. He’s the embodiment of your desire for a guy with long hair and tight pants. He’s the guy you wanna run away to Spain with and just lock herself in a hotel room and never leave it, just have people bring you food and water to keep your stamina going.

Zac Efron 

Even though you totally know he’s probably a bit of a douche, that doesn’t stop you from day dreaming about licking those abs. I mean for f**ks sake no guy, no matter how in shape or hot he is will never…be…that…hot. I think we’re all falling pregnant just but watching him flip those sausages. Efron is without a doubt the douchey frat guy you wanna hook up with in Uni.

Ryan Reynolds 

*ugh yes please*
There is no way you cannot like the personification of human perfection that is Ryan Reynolds. He’s funny, dorky, silly, sexy, hot, handsome, I mean the list could go on. Even dudes have a thing for him. The guy married Blake Lively, I mean how is he not perfect?
He’s definitely the guy you compare any potential boyfriend to and even an actual boyfriend. Why wouldn’t you?! He’s amazing.

Chris Evans 

Because he’s Chris Evans. And we’ve all been in love with him since Not Another Teen Movie and that shitty version of Fantastic Four. I mean the guy is Captain America so obviously he’s perfect. Plus he does things like this with Chris Pratt (who’ll also ruin you for other men)…..

Please just marry me now Chris Evans….or Pratt or Hemsworth. God bless the Chris’s.

the love/hate relationship with christmas.

Obviously as this time of year rolls around it’s not just Christmas you have to deal with, but New Years Eve and basically the entire summer (for Aussies anyway). For those working in retail obviously they hate their lives around Christmas time. For those working in schools you love it and hate it, cus let’s face it you’re writing reports and praying for the holidays. For those in big families it signals the time of year when you become completely broke. For those newly committed couples and married couples it’s deciding your Christmas day and New Years Eve routine. And for those of us who are repeatedly single over this time of year it signals the beginning of a sea of confused emotions and attitudes.

We’ll start with the hate and ease on into the love…

The food… 

I mean yeah the food is good but, being in Australia means Christmas is in Summer. YAY. Except not yay because us single ladies and lets face it everyone with self image issues binge eats food over the holidays only to regret it later when you’re standing on a beach with your friends looking like a whale. Plus if you’re like me then you’ve been attempting the I Quit Sugar lifestyle change and am currently failing at it. I have little self control when I get cravings and being around chocolate almost every single day means I’m sneaking chocolate and feeling guilty afterwards. So yes the food is a love/hate thing, but let’s be real we hate the after effects most of the time.

The New Years Kiss…

I can’t remember the last time I actually had a New Years kiss with a male, or a female that wasn’t a friend. The New Years kiss is barbaric for those of us who don’t have a soul to kiss. Similarly couples who are spending New Years apart are now left to feel alone and judged that they can’t kiss anyone. I feel the New Years midnight kiss should die in a hole and never be revived.

Getting presents you never intend on using from family you never see…

There’s nothing worse than getting shitty presents from aunties and uncles you see once or twice a year. These presents are things that they think would appeal to a youngen like you but there actually crap. I mean why bother even attempting a gift when we all know it’s getting returned or thrown out straight away. We’d all be happy if I was given money.

Holiday depression brings on the horny… 

Please refer to the food section of this rant. As stated previously Aussie’s celebrate Christmas in summer…..yay….. We get fat on holiday food, depressed over the fact we’re single over the holidays, aching for a summer romance, and hence becoming so horny you’d think we were on heat. Finding a decent holiday suitor is damn hard. And the fact you’re self esteem is plummeting thanks to the holiday food and drinks you’ve been guzzling down like a starved lion isn’t making the process any easier.

The love. 

Christmas songs…

The joys of not working in retail not only include, well not working in retail, but also the fact those few of us who don’t have to live in a shopping centre during Christmas means we still love carols. I mean basically the minute I’m in November my Michael Buble Christmas album is playing non-stop. And that bad boy aint getting turned off till Boxing Day. Maybe even after.

It’s Christmas time…. 

Obviously Christmas is awesome, despite what I’ve said previously. BUT like all women I don’t actually like or hate things in a standard way. I f**king love Christmas. I’m basically the anti-Grinch. Seriously I actually enjoy shopping for presents, decorating the tree and going to every holiday party you can think of. I live for this shit. In fact I actually like giving presents more than getting them. Seeing someone open your present and loving it is such a goddamn rush I get high for a minute.

Sitcom Christmas specials… 

Is there anything better than waking up on Christmas morning knowing you’re gonna spend at least three hours watching reruns of your favourite Christmas specials? The answer’s no. Obviously we’re all spending Christmas eve and day watching beloved characters enjoy Christmas before we stuff our faces over lunch and dinner.

what your single friends wish you knew.

Yes it is actually f**king hard to meet men. 

I’m not talking meeting a one night stand or a fling, that’s the easy part. I’m talking actually meeting a man worthy of dating or that actually wants to date you. How many times have you had to explain that yes it actually is hard to meet men? If it’s once then that’s too many. Actually finding a worthy mate is terrible, no worse than terrible, it’s a nightmare. Tinder is not the answer either, so if I ever actually meet someone from there it’s basically just to have sex. Also no, meeting guys at functions and parties or bars is f**king hard. In fact it’s like going to war, every other single girl is your enemy and odds are their better at it than I am.

I love makeup because it’s fun, not to impress every guy I see. 

Yeah makeup is hella fun and I don’t use it impress some random dude who doesn’t know the difference between NARS Luxembourg and NARS Dragon Girl. I wear it and I invest in it because I enjoy doing makeup, talking about makeup, shopping for makeup and reading about makeup. Spending a ridiculous amount of money on makeup is my choice, because it’s my money and I have no one to answer to. Yes I may be poor but it’s by my choice and it’s for me, no one else.

Yes I go to the gym and eat healthy, not for anyone else but me. 

Just because a single girl is in shape and eats healthily does not mean she is on a man hunt. Everyone deserves to look and feel their best, according to them. Whether that means being super fit, thin, curvy, lean, who the f**k cares as long as she’s happy and confident and above all healthy. No, single women are not going to the gym to meet men. Many of us actually go to all female gyms because we don’t really feel like attempting to look when we exercise because believe it or not we sweat.

Going to a function or party is not always an invitation to pimp me out. 

Ok so sometimes I may want a friend to hook me up or play wingman, however a single girl must be asked first. Imagine standing at a function awkwardly while your friends send you random guys you have no intention of even talking to. If a single lady wishes to hook up then she’ll either tell you OR flirt like a badass with every cute guy available.

I own a vibrator because every single girl needs some self love. 

The idea that women don’t masterbate is archaic. Especially single women. Despite popular belief single ladies are not having sex every weekend or organising booty calls. I would like to meet the woman who is actually having sex 3 -4 times a week and single. She’s a f**king liar, obviously. Having a vibrator is often essential in the single ladies survival kit.

Even though I love you both, stop making out in front me. 

This also applies to groping in front of me, using pet names, arguing and just general cutesy couple shit. Not only is this often hugely disrespectful, it’s just f**king awkward. Despite the fact single girls are happy for their friends and love listening to their couple friends talk about each other, this does not mean we enjoy witnessing the love. Seriously enough it’s actually disgusting.

why women have no filter with each other.

So as I sat around at my friends house on a seedy Sunday morning the topic of conversation eventually steered towards sex and more specifically dicks. During this conversation it dawned on me that women truly have no filter around each other. This was made more obvious when my friends boyfriend walked in the room and immediately gave a look of ‘are you seriously speaking like this?’ Well eventually one thing led to another and we found our way onto reddit. I have never experienced reddit so it came as a surprise to me when my friend told me there is a place on there called ‘lady-boners’. Which basically consists of shirtless and naked men. For the next hour or so I’m not even ashamed to say that we looked at and laughed at dicks. This hour was possibly one of the funniest moments in my whole goddamn life. I was f**king loving it. The whole thing was so freeing. In short I think I saw more dicks in that hour than I had in my whole life up to that point. The conversation of course consisted of these classic one-liners;
Aw poor dude.
S**t well done man.
What the f**k is that? Is that his dick?
It looks like a question mark but I don’t know the answer.
Ew pull the skin back man, it looks like a stuffed olive.
Oh my god what the actual f**k did I just witness.
Why do men think a dick shot from the bottom is alright? I’m basically looking at balls.
Do men know they’re small? 

Ok so at this point the list could go on. Of course my friends boyfriend looked at us and asked the question “what kind of dick do you want?” The three of us ladies looked at each other, laughed and said “women actually don’t particularly like the look of a dick, but it’s all about the girth.” That’s not to say women don’t love a long dick, but it needs some width to it. The following conversation then happened;
Oh my god a worm dick is the worst! It looks likes a snake, like what even is that?
Ew yeah I’ve totally experienced a micro dick, I swear I actually thought ‘is it in?’
My perfect dick would be long, but not too long, and thick as f**k. Oh and slightly curved up so it hits the spot.
Yeah a bend is good when it bends the right way, but you don’t want it stabbing you in the side. 

So yeah it’s safe to say we have no filter. I’m not even that close to one of these girls, only one is my actual friend. However none of us had any trouble blatantly talking about dicks and looking at dicks for the better part of an afternoon. It began to hit me that women speak more in depth and more truthfully about sex than men do. I’ve listened to my mates and they’re gross BUT the most disgusting things said are said by women. Why are we honest with each other? Because put simply women need to know that there’s someone else out there experiencing these things. We need to know that we’re not alone in the world of navigating sex and penises. The most disgusting things that happen to us are so horrifyingly bad that we need to share the experience so at least one person can say ‘Oh my god that happened to me’. Because there’s nothing more reassuring than knowing someone else out there has had those awkward sexual encounters that leave you a little scarred.

This basic need to vent to a girlfriend is so innate within me that I don’t understand those women out there who don’t have girlfriends. You know those women who don’t hang out with women? Yeah they freak me out, they’re missing out on such an important part of friendship. There’s only so much you can say to a male friend. A male friend can laugh and nod but he can’t empathise. My best conversations, strike that, my grossest conversations have happened with my girlfriends. Those conversations with no filter, nothing is off limits and you begin sharing some of the most hardcore shit you’ll share with another human being.

Ladies stop censoring yourselves because there’s at least one other woman out there who has had the same thing happen to her.